"Too" Good Girls
by Robin Caldwell
"Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you." (Matthew 7: 6 KJV)
It took a couple of years, several boxes of tissue, and ten minutes of conversation for Pete to admit, "I thought you were too good for me." Had he only said that when we broke up I would have saved money on the tissue and time on the tears.
This moment was so unnecessary.
I looked at him in utter disbelief and wondered to myself, 'Are you now good enough? Or, am I now not as good as you once thought?' Better yet, I wondered how a sinner saved by grace could be "too good" for a man. His was either a sincere confession or a really good excuse for wanting out of a relationship that meant little to him.
I told one of my boys what Pete had said and he snickered.
"He actually said that to you?!"
"Believe him," he said without hesitation. "When a man says you're too good for him; you are. That cat knows himself better than you ever will and would have made your life miserable."
This was not just some self-esteem issue; this was deeper. Basically, this is an issue about men who recognize a quality woman and recognize their own inability to measure up. They fear losing her respect and ruining her life due to some act their flaws lead them to commit. So, it is easier for those men to bail relationships than to step up to the plate.
Pete unceremoniously dumped me for a woman who would sleep with him. "You won't; she will," he said, which should have been my first clue. Instead, I focused on being rejected and on the loss of a relationship that I valued.
By the time he confessed that he thought I was too good for him, many things had changed. For one, I was no longer interested in him. And, the woman who would sleep with him was now the mother of his child.
He said, "We broke up. She's crazy..."
I cut him off mid-sentence. 'She might be crazy now, but for at least two seconds-the time it took to conceive that baby-she was good enough. And, she was good enough for you to hurt me.' He agreed though he never extended an apology.
Another friend shed more light on the topic of men who say, "You're too good for me."
She made an empowering assessment: "Those women they choose to deal with don't know they are being disrespected, which works for those men. Those women accommodate their sinfulness. However, they look at women like you and know you will not tolerate being disrespected and demeaned. You won't go low with them. Thank God! You're a good girl."
That explanation cured me of years of rejection. Suddenly, I understood why men would shy away from me. There wasn't anything wrong with me; something was wrong with them. In hindsight, the sovereign hand of God kept me from investing in relationships that did not glorify Him. He knew the hearts of men and He knew my future and lovingly intervened.
F. LaGard Smith writes, "...we are spiritual and moral beings...endowed by our Creator with a personal and individual significance virtually beyond comprehension." He is absolutely correct: our significance is incomprehensible to us who choose to zoom in on our imperfections rather than our entitlements as God's daughters. Our fear in embracing that significance is manifest in a false humility that says, "I shouldn't think more of myself than I ought," so we make choices that we will ultimately regret.
For a woman to challenge a statement like, "You're too good for me" diminishes her true worth and value in Christ. There is no godly, reasonable response to that comment. To refute it is to refute one's importance to God. And, we cannot demean His work in us.
My boy told me to run from the next man to say, "You're too good for me." He premised that no woman should make an effort to disprove that thought. "Just tell the brother, 'you're probably right,' and move on."
Good girls should never sweat the man who believes he cannot measure up to her standards, which are really God's standards. Instead, she should welcome his candor as an affirmation of her virtue and as an invitation to leave him the heck alone.
Eventually, I ended up thanking Pete for the confession and the break up. I even thanked God for the woman who "would," because her entrance into the picture spared me much drama and pain. Their dalliance caused me to kneel down, pray, and retrieve my precious pearls.
"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." (Romans 8: 28 KJV)